Thursday, 21 June 2012

Dear John

Wherever you are, and no matter what’s going on in your life, when it’s the first night of the full moon, I want you to find it in the night time sky. I want you to think about me and the week we shared, because wherever I am, no matter what’s going on in my life, that’s exactly what i’ll be doing. If we can’t be together, at least we can share that, and maybe between the two of us, we can make this last forever.

 Our story has three parts: a beginning, a middle, and an end. And although this is the way all stories unfold, I still can’t believe that ours didn’t go on forever.” 

If my time comes to leave and there’s only one minute left, I’d spend it kissing you. Because I’d want you to feel my last breath, and yours would be the last breath I could take.

Dear John,
I’m writing this letter at a kitchen table, and I’m struggling because I don’t know how to say what I’m about to tell you. Part of me wishes you were here with me so I could do this in person, but we both know that’s impossible. So here I am, groping for words with tears on my cheeks and hoping that you’ll somehow forgive me for what I’m about to write.
I know this is a terrible time for you. I try not to think about the war, but I can’t escape the images, and I’m scared all the time. I watch the news and scour newspapers, knowing you’re in the midst of all of it, trying to find out where you are and what you’re going through. I pray every night that you’ll make it home safely, and I always will. You and I shared something wonderful, and I never want you to forget that. Nor do I want you to believe that you didn’t mean as much to me as I did to you. You’re rare and beautiful, John. I fell in love with you,but more than that, meeting you made me realize what true love really means. For the past two and a half years, I’ve been staring at every full moon and remembering everything we’ve been through together. I remember how talking to you that first night felt like coming home, and I remember the night we made love. I’ll always be glad that you and I shared ourselves like that. To me, it means that our souls will be linked forever.
There’s so much more, too. When I close my eyes, I see your face. When I walk, it’s almost as if I can feel your hand in mine. Those things are real to me, but where they once brought me comfort, now they leave me with ache. I understood your reason for staying in the army, and I respected your decision. I still do, but we both know our relationship changed after that. We changed, and in your heart, I think you realized it, too. Maybe the time apart was too much, maybe it was just our different worlds. I don’t know. Every time we fought I hated myself for it. Somehow, even though we still loved each other, we lost that magical bond that kept us together.

I know that sounds like an excuse, but please believe me when I say I didn’t mean to fall in love with someone else. If I really don’t understand how it happened, how can you? I don’t expect you to, but because of all we’ve been through, I just can’t continue lying to you. Lying would diminish everything we’ve shared, and I don’t wan to do that, even though I know you feel betrayed.

I’ll understand if you never want to talk to me again, just as I’ll understand if you still me you hate me. Part of me hates me, too. Writing this letter forces me to acknowledge that, and when I look in the mirror, I know I’m looking at someone who isn’t sure she deserves to be loved at all. I mean that.

Even though you may not want to hear it, I want you to know that you’ll always be a part of me. In our time together, you claimed a special place in my heart, one I’ll carry with me forever and that no one can ever replace. You’re a hero and a gentleman, you’re kind and honest, but more than that, you’re the first man I ever truly loved. And no matter what the future brings, you will always be, and I know that my life is better for it.

I’m so sorry-

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